peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Are my feet made of real feet?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
