Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
