i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
