I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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