Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
