I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
