Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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