new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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