Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
