she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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