I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Princesses don't give blow jobs
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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