FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
did i walk over a car last night?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Randomize
