My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
we're so committed to being not committed
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
