As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize