Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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