9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
