Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
