All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
