At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
