fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Drunk walkin through police station. America
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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