sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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