it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Randomize
