this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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