I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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