my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Randomize
