I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
