I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
