WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
