Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
