What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
