I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
