I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
