A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
