Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
