grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
