I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
