Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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