Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
