I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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