too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
