Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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