Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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