I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize