I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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