A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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