Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
