my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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