she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
There's always time for handjobs
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
