Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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