A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
