I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
