Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
