I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize