If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Randomize
