Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
