It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
