her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
