She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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