Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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