Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
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